Dealing with Hurt from Other People

One of the most difficult things to deal with as a Christian, or as human beings in general, is that of the hurt that others inflict upon us. There might be nothing like it. The reason such becomes so difficult is that, normally, our emotions and the deepest parts of us get involved. That’s because relationships run deeper than the surface. And, thus, the deeper the relationship, the deeper it hurts when others wound us.

And you know what? There is no prescribed formula to help us deal with it. There are some principles to consider, but you can’t just give 3 or 4 keys as a band-aid (or plaster for my British friends) and everything will just be better. Pain is painful. Hurt is hurtful. There is simply no denying it. And many times it doesn’t disappear when we wave our magic wands.

Of course, we can push it aside, not think about it, not deal with it, and deaden ourselves to the pain. Or we can cover the pain with all sorts of other things – when it arises, we can head to the television to attempt to drown out the hurt or pick up some ice cream and eat half of the tub (or the whole tub). Or we could engage in graver things as well. But anything so we don’t have to deal with the hurt. Continue reading

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Churches Open Doors to Muslims – My Personal Thoughts

A few week’s back, I posted about an article released by Fox News. These opening lines give a window into the thrust of the whole article:

They see it as their Christian duty. But others disagree, saying it extends the hand of fellowship where it was never intended to go.

Two Protestant churches are taking some heat from critics for opening their church buildings to Muslims needing places to worship because their own facilities were either too small, or under construction.

With this post, I received quite a few comments on both my blog and Facebook, different folk heralding different sides of the issue for varying reasons. At the time, I reserved most of my thoughts for a later date, wanting to take some time to read the comments of others.

Hence, this article is my response to the issue. So, what are my personal thoughts?

Well, let me start out by trying to settle somewhere in the middle, at least for now. Therefore, I would say – It all depends.

The answers to these questions are not always black and white, though we would like them to be, and try and make them seem so. Even quoting a couple of Bible passages does not necessarily settle an issue. Think about the centuries of theological discussion and debate.

What I do note is that, in the current and forthcoming generation, many practical and theological questions are being re-looked at once again. None of these issues are new in and of themselves. To think so is a little naive. As one wise man said, ‘There is nothing new under the sun.’

But, as with each generation and culture, there is a call to consider how to live as followers of Christ in our particular culture and generation. Truly, there are solid, eternal truths. The kingdom of God is unshakable (Heb 12:28). But we as finite human beings are not, noting that we have not yet reached the goal expressed in passages like Eph 4:13 – unity in the faith and knowledge of Jesus and maturity.

And so, as with gender roles or positions on justification or any other assortment of issues, we find ourselves trying to grasp how we can faithfully follow Jesus as we engage with and interact with those of other faiths and religions. This is not just for the theologically unsound. Faithful followers of Jesus like you and I are constantly engaged with such. And I think that, as we do so with humility and relational accountability, this is a very noble aspiration.

To ask such a question, to even ponder allowing Muslims or Mormons or Hindus to utilise our buildings, well, that can truly be a bit daunting for some. Putting myself in such a position, if I am honest, it can feel that way for me as well. But I don’t think it has to be. One thing I have learned from Scripture, especially in the wisdom and poetic portions of the Old Testament, is that questions are ok. We will never have all the answers, and we should expect such knowing this walk with Christ is a walk of faith.

So, my answer still stands as this – It all depends.

But let me first share two points as to why I don’t believe that allowing Muslims to utilise our buildings is wrong in and of itself, and then I will come back to why I believe it all depends.

1) The nature of church

I adamantly believe that a proper foundation of understanding church is that it is first and foremost about the people of God. When we say the word church, at least from a biblical background (Greek ekklesia), the overwhelming evidence is that this is about God’s people, the body of Christ. It is not foremost about an institution, day of the week, or place we go. Thus, in its essence, church is not about the building. Christ did not give himself up for a building, but rather for a bride (Eph 5:25-27).

True, most of us meet in buildings. And to have such is a blessing. Whether we are part of a more structured, liturgical background or a more free, open background (none of these terms are used negatively-positively), to have a building can be a blessing.

My local church has one. It is a blessing to have a large meeting hall with four classrooms and two offices. I am glad I can have a place of study, prayer, and base from which our local church can outwork the ministry God has given us. But it is by no means essential. Sometimes I wonder if we need to become more mobile, not to mention the prospect of redirecting some funds towards mission rather than a larger rental sum. But at this point, we are convinced it is good to have the building, blue carpet and all.

But if the building goes up in flames or simply vanishes, the church can and should get on with being the church regardless. And that is why I also ponder becoming more mobile – to see the church truly have to rise up and be the church without a base of operation.

I do recognise that some church traditions strongly emphasise the importance of sacred space. I respect that. I have no problems with high-church, liturgical focus. Such can call us to a deeper, more thoughtful and enriched walk in life.

But to allow Muslims to utilise our buildings does not necessarily bring spiritual cooties to invade our building, nor the reality of demons. It could. But, as a whole, this is few and far between. And this is where leadership needs to be discerning, wise, prayerful and give space to listen to God. And a team of leaders will also provide the relational accountability needed.

So, let us not get so wrapped up in arguing, ‘This is a church. It is not to be used for non-believers.’ The reality is that you cannot go to church – it’s impossible. Buildings are not churches, at least if we want to look at this from the foundation of Scriptural teaching. Jesus gave his life for a bride, for people, not a building.

And let us not forget about all the people who use community centres, town halls, school gymnasiums, community theatres, etc, to gather in. How many Muslims, or agnostics and atheists, head through those doors during the week?

For quite a few decades now, the church has understood that we can meet ‘out there’. And that might just be the best call in reaching our community. This leads me to my second and final point.

2) The salt and light aspect

No Christian denies the fact that we are called to salt and light. But many times, we can enclose ourselves in our buildings, which leaves us losing some of our saltiness and putting some of our light under the proverbial bushel. That is very far from the church Jesus imagined and gave himself for.

But the idea of our buildings being open to the community at large, what an amazing opportunity. Now because they are marked as ‘churches’, many of the people in our communities will not come through the doors. And that is definitely my experience in western Europe. But I won’t walk down rethinking this question, as to not get too far off focus.

But opening our buildings could be a very profitable decision. Of course, this is again where wisdom is called for, wisely inquiring of the group’s intentions and activities, but definitely not from a fearful state of paranoia. Shepherds are called to care for and protect, but not out of fear.

Still, the interaction that could follow in the months and years to come, the conversations, the dialogue, the testimony of Jesus, living as new creations as we interact with the people. What an opportunity!!

But here is the kicker for me – When have we ever heard of Muslims asking to use church buildings?!!

Are you kidding me?!! I don’t think this has ever happened in the history of the human race. NEVER!! And all of a sudden, the inquiry happens. Could this be history in the making, Christians and Muslims utilising the same building in peace and harmony?

Listen, I am not advocating watering down anything. I am not advocating that we open up to the possibility that Mohammed is the true prophet of God. But I also don’t advocate being gospel gun-slingers, ready to pounce on everyone as our evangelism project.

I believe that, if we enter the situation with the correct perspective of being salt and light, sharing the love of Jesus, looking for opportunities to build relationships that we might share the good news of Jesus, then this could be a healthy opportunity. If all somebody really wants is to be nice, well, I will personally allow them to simply be nice. But I would hope we would see it as an opportunity to heal centuries of animosity and anger, hear one another, share conversations and possibly meals with one another. Who knows? No, not necessarily having a joint service where it’s all mish-mash and we pray to a vague God. But real, purposeful, authentic relationship.

I cannot even imagine how this happened. I’m still kind of hit in the stomach that a couple of Muslim groups asked to use the buildings of these two churches. Could God be doing something, something scandalous here, to open the door to move past a veil that has existed now for a millennium and a half? I’d be spending a lot of time asking God, listening to Him, for this is not your usual interaction between Muslims and Christians.

For those who want to play the conspiracy card that these Muslims might be trying to slowly work their way in to bring about sharia law – Well, again, it could be. And this is why we need discerning, prayerful, accountable leaders. But I would suppose the secret motive thing is few and far between. Again, let us also guard against fear and paranoia.

So, this is where I sign-off with my main answer that I began with – It all depends. It really does all depend.

I think each situation has to be considered individually. Though, as I recognised earlier that we would like there to be a pat answer to every situation, there really isn’t. Each local church needs to consider different things in different contexts. What might be good for my local church in Brussels, Belgium, will not be good for someone else’s in Dakar, Senegal. What might be good for a church in Chicago, Illinois, might not be good for one in Budapest, Hungary.

And so each church, led by its local leadership, needs to be in prayer, with wisdom, seeking God, in authentic relationship with one another, and with those leaders in the wider body of Christ. And as we do, I believe God will lead us, communicate to us, and guide us into what needs to take place, all that His kingdom might come and His will might be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Therefore, though I am not actually dead-centre in the middle on this issue, I would still say that it all depends. But I cannot stand up saying an all out, ‘No,’ to this opportunity. Nor can I simply say, ‘Yes,’ and be done with it. But I can say that this could truly be an opportunity of God Himself, but we need to listen to Him and to those in the church with whom we walk.

Churches Open Doors to Muslim Worship

Recently, Fox News published an article entitled, Churches Open Doors to Muslim Worship. The article starts out with these words:

They see it as their Christian duty. But others disagree, saying it extends the hand of fellowship where it was never intended to go.

Two Protestant churches are taking some heat from critics for opening their church buildings to Muslims needing places to worship because their own facilities were either too small, or under construction.

One of these two churches, Heartsong, happens to be from my hometown of Memphis-Cordova, TN. Steve Stone, Heartsong’s senior pastor, wrote in Christianity Today that:

“No thought at all was given to the political ramifications … The decision was firmly based only on our understanding of the mission and nature of the church.” He also pointed out that “there was no trading of theologies. They are Muslims; we are Jesus followers; both of us are clear about that.”

As a counter to this response, Dr. Alex McFarland, theologian and radio talk show, claims:

“We as the church are called to show love, we’re called to help. But to let a building simultaneously be used for the activities of a mosque and also the activities of Jesus Christ, it’s just incompatible. And I think it’s one more example of political correctness and hyper-tolerance gone awry.”

This will increasingly become a sensitive issue to address amongst the church. We will still discuss and debate such important current issues as gender roles in leadership and homosexuality. But how Christians interact with those of other religions and faiths shall come to the forefront more and more.

What are you thoughts? Should Christian churches allow or not allow Muslims (or those of other religions) to utilise their building for worship gatherings and other activities?

Dealing With Hurt From Others

One of the most difficult things to deal with as a Christian, or as human beings in general, is that of the hurt that others inflict upon us. There might be nothing like it. The reason such becomes so difficult is that, normally, our emotions and the deepest parts of us get involved. That’s because relationships run deeper than the surface. And, thus, the deeper the relationship, the deeper it hurts when others wound us.

And you know what? There is no prescribed formula to help us deal with it. There are some principles to consider, but you can’t just give 3 or 4 keys as a band-aid (or plaster for my British friends) and everything will just be better. Pain is painful. Hurt is hurtful. There is simply no denying it. And many times it doesn’t disappear when we wave our magic wands.

Of course, we can push it aside, not think about it, not deal with it, and deaden ourselves to the pain. Or we can cover the pain with all sorts of other things – when it arises, we can head to the television to attempt to drown out the hurt or pick up some ice cream and eat half of the tub (or the whole tub). Or we could engage in graver things as well. But anything so we don’t have to deal with the hurt.

I suppose that is why something like divorce can hurt so very badly. I have not and do not plan on experiencing such, but I can at least imagine that for those who break apart the marriage covenant relationship, it is most painful for two people who are intertwined so closely, closer than in any other relationship.

And, so, when we are hurt (not just in divorce, but in any friendship-relationship across the body of Christ), we easily want to respond with any amount of negative emotions: sadness, depression, anger, resentment, bitterness, rage, fury, and a whole host of others. It hurts that bad and we want to react to the situation. And the thing is, the person who hurt us might be getting on with their life just fine with no knowledge of our pain. But we are still deeply stuck with the agony of the wound.

In my young life, one of the things that I have learned with regards to this area, and which keeps me in a place of wanting to let go of such bitterness, is remembering that I have done and continue to do the same to others. I’m probably better than most. How many times have I dumped on someone else – wife, son, family, friends, those in the body of Christ? The number is countless. And I can only hope that those whom I have hurt in my almost 31 years of life will remember these words that I want to learn to embrace more and more: [love] keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV).

Goodness, it is easy to keep a record of wrongs. So easy because it hurts so bad.

I am very aware that, for the one pursuing Christ, we are not called to allow bitterness or rage or anger or depression dominate. And I believe that we can walk out such a calling due to the new disposition that we have as new creations in Christ. He has done a radical work within.

But as those who still have the flesh, who still live in a fallen world, who are still tempted with sin, we will walk down those paths and let such emotions have their way at times. And so I remain eternally grateful for mercy as gigantic as the mercy of our Father.

So the first thing I have to remember is that I have hurt people just as much, if not more, than those who have hurt me. I need your grace just as much as I think you need my grace.

Still, there is another great issue to consider when learning to deal with people who have hurt us: How do we forgive these people? I mean, we do read passages like this:

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Colossians 2:12-13)

Pretty challenging words – as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Extremely challenging words.

But here is where the hang-up comes. What if someone never asks for forgiveness? Are we, then, supposed to forgive?

That’s a tough one, one that I don’t pretend to have all the answers. And I would love for you share any thoughts that you might have. But let me share some things that I do believe are worth remembering.

The first is that you can only forgive those who ask your forgiveness. When someone asks forgiveness for how they have wronged us, if it is with true remorse and repentance, then it now becomes our responsibility to forgive. It’s now on us, not them. And to forgive them will call for just as much a work of God’s grace and mercy in our lives as it does in the person that has come to the place of wanting to ask forgiveness. We all know that, if the wound is deep enough, it will be hard for us to forgive. Simply saying the words, I forgive you, is a start. But we still have to walk out the forgiveness on a daily basis. But the door has been opened to forgiveness and reconciliation.

But that’s not always the case. Again, sometimes the person never asks to be forgiven. And here is what I have learned in my young life.

I believe that, if someone never asks for forgiveness, then there is no responsibility set upon us to forgive. You cannot forgive one who never asks for forgiveness. Yet, take note of this. I don’t believe that allows us to keep the door of bitterness or anger or rage open. Why? When someone has wronged us and has not asked for forgiveness, I believe our responsibility then becomes to learn to let it go and release that person in Jesus’ name to get on with their life as we get on with our life in God.

By no means am I saying it is easy. None of this stuff is easy. But we must move towards letting the other go, releasing them from the grip of deep-rooted bitterness. If we don’t, even if we never see them again, we will suffer our own pain of not releasing them. The wound will continue to fester and grow putrid. And the release in our lives will only come when we finally step into the liberating grace of Jesus to allows us to let them go.

And as we let them go, the responsibility can now fully rest with God to deal with it, as we are reminded in Romans 12:19:

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.

But the thing is that, once we are liberated and release the person, we are not sitting around wondering if God has dealt with it. We are released ourselves and free from being emotionally entangled with the person or persons who have hurt us. And we get on with walking out what God has for us today.

To see full release come, it probably won’t do much go to say a little half-hearted prayer and get back to our favourite tv programme. It might call for deep mourning (Matthew 5:4) and maybe even some time away to deal with it. Time to reflect and refresh. And I actually mean praying in Jesus’ name about these things, since He is the one who can break deep-rooted strongholds.

Listen, I can only again reiterate that I do understand the difficulty of both forgiving those who have hurt us who asked our forgiveness and then letting go of those who have wounded us but never asked forgiveness from us. Both of these are extremely complex situations that simply take time. And we must know that we can only really deal with them by a work of God’s Spirit and God’s Spirit alone. This has nothing to do with pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps and getting on with life. This must be a deep work of the grace of Christ.

But, as sons and daughters of the King, this is what we are called to.

And can you imagine the bride of Christ learning to forgive and release those who hurt us? Can you imagine the effect this would have on planet earth? Can imagine the resounding effect of the grace of Jesus that would be left ringing in the ears of humanity?

Ok, probably too big a vision for right now and dealing with the deep, personal wounds and scars of today. In the pain, we just want to work through it and move to the place of mercy that God has called us. So let’s move towards that, and we will live the bigger effect up to God Himself. This is His ultimately.

Help us move in this direction, Father. Help us today.