Dealing With Hurt From Others

One of the most difficult things to deal with as a Christian, or as human beings in general, is that of the hurt that others inflict upon us. There might be nothing like it. The reason such becomes so difficult is that, normally, our emotions and the deepest parts of us get involved. That’s because relationships run deeper than the surface. And, thus, the deeper the relationship, the deeper it hurts when others wound us.

And you know what? There is no prescribed formula to help us deal with it. There are some principles to consider, but you can’t just give 3 or 4 keys as a band-aid (or plaster for my British friends) and everything will just be better. Pain is painful. Hurt is hurtful. There is simply no denying it. And many times it doesn’t disappear when we wave our magic wands.

Of course, we can push it aside, not think about it, not deal with it, and deaden ourselves to the pain. Or we can cover the pain with all sorts of other things – when it arises, we can head to the television to attempt to drown out the hurt or pick up some ice cream and eat half of the tub (or the whole tub). Or we could engage in graver things as well. But anything so we don’t have to deal with the hurt.

I suppose that is why something like divorce can hurt so very badly. I have not and do not plan on experiencing such, but I can at least imagine that for those who break apart the marriage covenant relationship, it is most painful for two people who are intertwined so closely, closer than in any other relationship.

And, so, when we are hurt (not just in divorce, but in any friendship-relationship across the body of Christ), we easily want to respond with any amount of negative emotions: sadness, depression, anger, resentment, bitterness, rage, fury, and a whole host of others. It hurts that bad and we want to react to the situation. And the thing is, the person who hurt us might be getting on with their life just fine with no knowledge of our pain. But we are still deeply stuck with the agony of the wound.

In my young life, one of the things that I have learned with regards to this area, and which keeps me in a place of wanting to let go of such bitterness, is remembering that I have done and continue to do the same to others. I’m probably better than most. How many times have I dumped on someone else – wife, son, family, friends, those in the body of Christ? The number is countless. And I can only hope that those whom I have hurt in my almost 31 years of life will remember these words that I want to learn to embrace more and more: [love] keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV).

Goodness, it is easy to keep a record of wrongs. So easy because it hurts so bad.

I am very aware that, for the one pursuing Christ, we are not called to allow bitterness or rage or anger or depression dominate. And I believe that we can walk out such a calling due to the new disposition that we have as new creations in Christ. He has done a radical work within.

But as those who still have the flesh, who still live in a fallen world, who are still tempted with sin, we will walk down those paths and let such emotions have their way at times. And so I remain eternally grateful for mercy as gigantic as the mercy of our Father.

So the first thing I have to remember is that I have hurt people just as much, if not more, than those who have hurt me. I need your grace just as much as I think you need my grace.

Still, there is another great issue to consider when learning to deal with people who have hurt us: How do we forgive these people? I mean, we do read passages like this:

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Colossians 2:12-13)

Pretty challenging words – as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Extremely challenging words.

But here is where the hang-up comes. What if someone never asks for forgiveness? Are we, then, supposed to forgive?

That’s a tough one, one that I don’t pretend to have all the answers. And I would love for you share any thoughts that you might have. But let me share some things that I do believe are worth remembering.

The first is that you can only forgive those who ask your forgiveness. When someone asks forgiveness for how they have wronged us, if it is with true remorse and repentance, then it now becomes our responsibility to forgive. It’s now on us, not them. And to forgive them will call for just as much a work of God’s grace and mercy in our lives as it does in the person that has come to the place of wanting to ask forgiveness. We all know that, if the wound is deep enough, it will be hard for us to forgive. Simply saying the words, I forgive you, is a start. But we still have to walk out the forgiveness on a daily basis. But the door has been opened to forgiveness and reconciliation.

But that’s not always the case. Again, sometimes the person never asks to be forgiven. And here is what I have learned in my young life.

I believe that, if someone never asks for forgiveness, then there is no responsibility set upon us to forgive. You cannot forgive one who never asks for forgiveness. Yet, take note of this. I don’t believe that allows us to keep the door of bitterness or anger or rage open. Why? When someone has wronged us and has not asked for forgiveness, I believe our responsibility then becomes to learn to let it go and release that person in Jesus’ name to get on with their life as we get on with our life in God.

By no means am I saying it is easy. None of this stuff is easy. But we must move towards letting the other go, releasing them from the grip of deep-rooted bitterness. If we don’t, even if we never see them again, we will suffer our own pain of not releasing them. The wound will continue to fester and grow putrid. And the release in our lives will only come when we finally step into the liberating grace of Jesus to allows us to let them go.

And as we let them go, the responsibility can now fully rest with God to deal with it, as we are reminded in Romans 12:19:

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.

But the thing is that, once we are liberated and release the person, we are not sitting around wondering if God has dealt with it. We are released ourselves and free from being emotionally entangled with the person or persons who have hurt us. And we get on with walking out what God has for us today.

To see full release come, it probably won’t do much go to say a little half-hearted prayer and get back to our favourite tv programme. It might call for deep mourning (Matthew 5:4) and maybe even some time away to deal with it. Time to reflect and refresh. And I actually mean praying in Jesus’ name about these things, since He is the one who can break deep-rooted strongholds.

Listen, I can only again reiterate that I do understand the difficulty of both forgiving those who have hurt us who asked our forgiveness and then letting go of those who have wounded us but never asked forgiveness from us. Both of these are extremely complex situations that simply take time. And we must know that we can only really deal with them by a work of God’s Spirit and God’s Spirit alone. This has nothing to do with pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps and getting on with life. This must be a deep work of the grace of Christ.

But, as sons and daughters of the King, this is what we are called to.

And can you imagine the bride of Christ learning to forgive and release those who hurt us? Can you imagine the effect this would have on planet earth? Can imagine the resounding effect of the grace of Jesus that would be left ringing in the ears of humanity?

Ok, probably too big a vision for right now and dealing with the deep, personal wounds and scars of today. In the pain, we just want to work through it and move to the place of mercy that God has called us. So let’s move towards that, and we will live the bigger effect up to God Himself. This is His ultimately.

Help us move in this direction, Father. Help us today.

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4 thoughts on “Dealing With Hurt From Others

  1. The only way I could conceive of really wiping the slate clean would be if the person was an unbeliever when they did whatever they did, and then underwent a genuine conversion to Christianity.

    I mean, I once knew a man who had in his former life been a hitman for the Mafia. In other words, he basically killed people for a living.

    He repented and became a Christian on death row and the change in his life was sufficient that the governor saw fit to pardon him. And when I met him, all that I knew of him was that he was a gentle, humble and mature practitioner of the Christian faith.

    I knew another man once upon a time who had served jail time for murder and then been released. He too converted in jail, and through a ministry to blind people that he had become involved with during that time, he met a member of my church who invited him to visit us.

    And he gave his testimony at the service. It was one of the more moving ones I’ve heard. He began, ‘There is absolutely nothing interesting about my life except what God has done for me. I grew up in uninteresting circumstances and did nothing interesting with my life until I got into a fight and ended up killing someone.’

    And then he proceeded to tell us in more detail about his conversion and coming to such a point of ease and acceptance about being in jail – after all, he deserved it – that he was able to treat it as home and live contentedly with what the Lord provided. And he talked about getting involved in that ministry to blind people.

    Such people as these, I did not view them any differently because of what they had done, because their conversion was evidently genuine and they had obviously repented of their sins and left that life behind them.

    But in general, the problem with ‘asking for forgiveness’ is, how does a person prove they’ve repented? What if their behavior was of a nature that someone in their family can no longer feel safe under their own roof – or if they can, it is only because they have the physical and even legal possibility of defending themselves if God forbid anything goes wrong again?

    There are some behaviors that permanently destroy trust. And I don’t see that we have any obligation to forget what has been done. I don’t see that there is even any obligation to have any kind of sentimental relationship with the person. The only obligation is to treat them in a decent and humane manner. With time, that can even resemble friendship. But a perceptive observer will notice that it is an ‘effort’ – i.e. that it is not automatic.

  2. Scott, you would never realize how timely your post is to me personally. (I shall dis-close the details in a short while!). Thanks!

    (I was trying to comment on Theologica, and it wouldn’t, for some reason!).

  3. Leslie –

    I am glad this blessed you. I, too, am speaking about what God is and has taken me through.

    Don’t know why Theologica wouldn’t work. I tried a test comment and it worked.

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